So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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