Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
