what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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