Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
