I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
