I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
