I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
