I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
