Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
