My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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