I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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