Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
