Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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