I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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