There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
