I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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