There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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