I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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