its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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