I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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