Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
