I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize