I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
