My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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