Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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