how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
