The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
