If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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