so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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