im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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