Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My vagina is very pro this idea
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
