alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
This toilet bowl is my home.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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