chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
