did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
