I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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