I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
