Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
