i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
