Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
