I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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