I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
