Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize