Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
