but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
