someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
