Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
