my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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