I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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