Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
