How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
