I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
