The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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