his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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