i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I fill condoms, not promises.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
