i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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