What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
