we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
