Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
