is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
