I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
