well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
