Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
