A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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