I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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