I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
