The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
