ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
