At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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