Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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