I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
