The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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