You were right. It hurts to walk today.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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