I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
